You will never be able
to express yourself clearly enough
for those who want
to misunderstand you.
(J. Warren Welch)
Somewhere, right now,
a child is seeing rain for the first time,
steam is rising from every coffee cup
clutched in every tired hand,
the wind is knocking the heads of
flowers together, you are reading
these words while someone
is writing their last.
So many things are
happening every second.
This world is so grand,
maddening and magical,
and you are a miraculous part of it.
Your soul is tattooed onto this universe.
So don’t you ever think
that you don’t matter.
(D. Antoinette Foy)
WITH OPEN EYES
You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will diminish. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart.
Everything that seems permanent is in truth impermanent and will be smashed.
Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away.
Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes.
But right now, in this very moment, you stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this simple thing is the key to unspeakable joy.
Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you.
Everything is present.
The universal law of impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heart-breaking gratitude.
transfigured your life
into an altar.
What if the goal in life
isn’t to be happy
but to be real
and the truly amazing gift
is to have our realness
accepted & understood
Unhealed childhood trauma finds a way
to translate into your reality,
whether you like it or not
and in one way or the other.
If you know it's there, it's there.
And you know what?
It won't go anywhere.
It will continue to be passed on, from one generation to the other, in one way or the other.
It will keep old patterns and dysfunction alive, keep you disconnected from your true self, and ruin your relationship with yourself and others.
It will make you show up in ways not in alignment with the kind of life you desire for yourself.
It'll affect the path you choose, the risks you're willing to take, and the expression of your authenticity.
Your body will hold onto it.
It will manifest in ugly ways.
And there will come a time when it will all get too much to handle.
Where you simply aren't able to contain the suffering anymore.
You can find support much before this time comes, but sometimes people keep waiting and hoping that someday they wake up and everything is fine.
This is characteristic of your wounded inner child.
Unfortunately, things won't just become okay.
Trauma doesn't heal itself.
It finds a medium through which to manifest.
Here's what I've learnt in my journey:
Healing doesn't happen without you creating space for it to happen.
This means you have to act in alignment with your intention for healing.
Trauma recovery takes time and commitment.
It also takes a balance between ‘doing’ and ‘being.’
More often than not, trauma recovery doesn’t happen in isolation. It requires co-regulation and a safe space to have our experiences.
It also requires you to have corrective experiences.
Here are some ways you can start to create space for healing to take place:
- Seek help
- Think about how your trauma
is keeping you small/stuck
- Get honest about your priorities
- Set boundaries with others and yourself
- Allow yourself to rest when you need it
- Invest your time, money, and energy wisely
- Eat nourishing food and move in ways
that are right for your body.
- Find a community that is also healing
- Be picky about who you choose to
follow on social media
- Be selective about who you choose to
be around in real life
- Learn to go at your body's pace
- Educate yourself
Start somewhere, okay?
You’ve got this.
Never be afraid to dive inward.
Your soul will catch you.
My story isn’t sweet and harmonious
like invented stories.
It tastes of folly and bewilderment,
of madness and dreams,
like the life of all people
who no longer want to
lie to themselves.
No one else is carrying the aftermath
of the trauma you have endured
inside of their body.
They are not paying the consequences.
They are not managing the recovery.
Therefore, their opinions are secondary
to any and all things that help you heal.
Survivors, we often get hit with unwanted advice and projection.
We assume if we try harder to explain ourselves, the other will affirm us.
If they’re not on a similar path, they can’t give you what they haven’t tapped into in themselves.
A few tools to hang on to:
The next time you feel dismissed, pause, and pay close attention to how your body is responding.
What would it take for you to validate your body’s response, more than the other persons demands?
When someone offers unsolicited advice, use these words:
“I’m not looking for feedback.”
“I’m not in a place where I can receive that message right now.”
Or excuse yourself and go find a quiet spot alone.
Your body knows impact of unwanted words and actions.
Allow it to tell you what it needs to feel safe.
Do not continue to try and gain understanding from those who consistently send you into a dysregulated state.
Your body is so damn sacred.
It deserves your praise.
Perhaps if tearful little boys
were comforted instead of shamed,
there wouldn’t be so many angry men
struggling to express and
empathise with emotions.
Believe in your ability to move forward
from this situation or condition.
Regardless of how permanent
everything feels right now,
it’s all temporary. It will pass
and you will grow stronger from it.
You will move through this
with more wisdom and you will
reach a better circumstance.
If all you can do right now
is just believe in that possibility,
I knew I was healing
when my creativity
became less and less bounded
by how it was received.
There is a reason why telling your story is a huge part of healing.
It allows the light of awareness into something that was very intimate.
That light of awareness has the capacity to transmute the pain that was lingering in the dark.
This requires a safe space to be witnessed.
Your creativity is telling an untold story.
A story that only you can tell.
A story that is written on your heart.
When you give yourself permission to tell that story independently of how it is received, you have just become your own safe space.
In my opinion, this is one of the highest levels of dedication to your own self expression.
It is a practice.
In my experience it is a skill that you continue to hone.
Personally it is a skill that I continuously work on.
Opening deeper and deeper gates within myself.
It is you being part of the universal womb.
Letting her create through you.
This is even more important in times of collective turmoil like now.
I will die. You will die.
This personality, with this name, this body, this life will die.
Maybe in the next moment, maybe in 50 years, who knows?
Not knowing allows us to live as if we will never die.
The biggest illusion ever.
Death is repressed, hidden, feared.
We try everything to forget it.
To hide it behind the doors of the hospitals, the rest homes.
We try everything to stay young, beautiful, ageless.
Sometimes until we look like zombies, not recognizing the absurdity and sadness in our mimic full of surgery and botox.
Having lost the dignity and beauty of a wrinkled, vibrant face full of laughter and crying, ups and downs, the rhythms of life.
Only thinking about death and its inevitability makes us somehow depressed, restless, uncomfortable.
A lot of our resistance against life, our challenges, our struggles stem from this fear of death.
If we repress death, we also repress life.
What a peace it would bring to suddenly remember and sense how natural it feels to die.
We only have to fear our imagination of death, that's all.
When we really die, it has absolutely nothing in common with our notion of it.
It is just like a last breath in and out.
It is like coming home.
In fact the world to come is much more familiar to our souls than this sensual and wild human adventure here on earth.
A lot of friends and soul-family-members are waiting there for us, looking forward to finally embrace us with warm, loving, ethereal hugs, listening to our fascinating stories with peaceful curiosity, applauding us for all our courage and growth, showing compassion for all our wrong tracks, failures, losses and suffering on the human journey.
Angelic beings, beloved pets, and spirit guides are already lining up to support you in the process of transition.
Right after our last breath, we will see this incredible light at the end of the tunnel.
We will feel magnetically attracted to it and walk along the tunnel, like we have never known anything else.
We want to go towards that light, it is our home, it is the source, it is oneness, however you call it.
It feels so safe, so loving, so cozy, so relieving, so natural to return.
In these moments, we remember EVERYTHING, we see and feel our unique movie of life with all our milestones, all our important experiences, from all perspectives, perpetrator and victim.
So that at least we understand in hindsight, what we didn't understand while living.
There is endless compassion.
It feels like finally arriving home after a very long, exciting but exhausting journey.
We gather new energy, before we contemplate starting a new (human) adventure.
When we die, we immediately realize that we neither have to be afraid of death, nor of life.
That all this belongs to the vast divine ocean of unconditional love, manifesting itself in each of us.
It is perfectly expressed with Steve Jobs last words before leaving this earth:
“Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.”
These times are hard,
but I won't walk away jaded,
I feel. I cry to heal.
If you saw me in those moments,
maybe you'd think I was a mess.
But I don't call it a mess.
I call it strength.
Real strength isn't about building walls.
Real strength is about staying open,
no matter what. It's about taking life -
with all the pleasures that fade and
all the pain that sticks around for too long -
and not shutting down, not closing down,
not building up those walls.
Resilience isn't hard, impenetrable, iron.
Resilience is flexible, soft, warm.
Stay strong. The real kind of strong.
Don't let your automatic mind reflexes
make you jump away from pain
and towards pleasure. Make choices.
See clearly. And never, ever, stop feeling.
Don't go numb.
The world, even with all its horror,
is too beautiful to miss.
We live in a universe
that responds to
what we believe.
Every way that you’ve given away your power,
denied your own deeper knowing,
put someone else’s feelings and
needs before your own,
stayed embedded in a victimized story,
or settled for less in life -
all of it is now up for review.
You have nowhere to hide.
Life has broken you open and it is violently,
mercilessly forcing you to evolve,
to develop, and to grow.
(Katherine Woodward Thomas)
You cannot discover new oceans
unless you have the courage
to lose sight of the shore.
Overthinking is the biggest waste
of human energy.
Trust yourself, make a decision,
and gain more experience.
There is no such thing as perfect,
you cannot think your way
into perfection, just take action.
is my rebellion.
GENTLE REMINDERS FOR HEALING
You are so much more than your pain -
even when you feel like you’re
drowning in it.
There will be days when it feels hard
to heal from the things
that have broken you down.
I hope you trust yourself enough
to piece yourself back together
when you’re ready.
There’s no rush -
give yourself a break.
Sometimes the best thing
you can do is feel all your feelings
You don’t have to "fix" anything today.
Even when peace feels out of reach,
you are whole and enough
Some things may always sting,
hurt, or feel tender.
None of that means you’re not strong.
All of it means you’re healing through it,
a day and a step at a time.
Even if you’ve walked through
heavy storms or been knocked down
countless times - you’re making it through.
That alone speaks volumes.
You are resilient, beautiful, and capable.
You can take a rest from
"trying to get better" today.
Give yourself permission to do nothing.
Grow through all that may be grieving.
Healing will be here tomorrow.
Some things to remember:
You do not have to prepare for life.
You do not have to avoid life.
You do not have to monitor life.
You do not have to solve life.
You do not have to protect life.
You do not have to fear life.
The issues of life are of no importance.
The essence of all things
must be sought with a loving heart.
What seems to be is not.
What you seek outside, you already own.
The gathering of all experience
is only to know the nature
of the Love therein.
Enjoy the journey.
Your return tickets Home
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE LEARNING
HOW TO BE ON YOUR OWN SIDE
You care more about having integrity
than you do about making others
You are learning that healing
will cost you some relationships,
but those relationships were never
going to support you long term anyways.
You care less and less what people
think of you and more and more
about what you think of you.
Your needs are non-negotiable.
Some people see scars,
and it is wounding they remember.
To me they are proof of the fact
that there is healing.
If someone makes you feel shameful
or unworthy - NO MATTER how elevated
or spiritually evolved they look -
turn the other way.
Spiritual bullying is passive, slight,
and hidden. It is disguised and masked
under a charade of 'love and light.'
Don’t ever allow another to make you feel
'lesser than' just because you don’t meet
their imaginary standards.
Let your inner wolf howl and
run for the goddamn hills.
Angels come in many forms.
If you are waiting for the white winged,
fluffy, newly laundered ones,
you might miss the kick-ass muddy angels
who literally move things along in useful ways.
(Clarissa Pinkola Estés)
Do not let the inevitable discomfort
of sharing parts of yourself, your creativity,
or your offerings with the world
(or with your partner, or your friend,
or your colleagues, or anyone)
keep you from continuing to share them.
Discomfort doesn’t always mean stop.
Sometimes, discomfort simply means
you’re leaning into an edge that needs
to be leaned into for growth to
continue unfolding in all the ways
it is meant to.
our plans for tomorrow
and not tell anyone
where we’re going.
We’ll pack chocolate and
wool blankets and drive
until we find
a place where we can
be alone under the stars.
Sometimes when our brain begins to swirl,
whether it’s flooded with anxiety
about things we cannot control
or times when we feel alone and unsafe,
taking a moment to:
1. Close your eyes
2. Listen to all the things
you can hear in this moment.
Small things - a clock ticking,
the hum of the air conditioner...
3. Place your hand over your heart.
4. Feel your hand move as your chest
rises and falls with your breath
5. Whisper to your self (aloud or quietly),
“You are not alone.
You are safe here.
You are safe.”
Hearing ourselves say “you are…”
in a maternal or paternal way can feel more soothing
than when we say “I am”.
It brings in a presence that is bigger than us.
Whether you believe in a higher power or not,
it indicates a collective presence,
a reassurance outside of ourselves.
The journey of life
is never a straight line.
It’s a twisty-turny
Fasten your heart’s seatbelt,
it’s gonna be a wild ride.
(John Mark Green)
Stop insisting on clearing
your head - clear your
fucking heart instead.
True spirituality is not a high, not a rush, not an altered state.
It has been fine to romance it for a while, but our times call for something far more real, grounded, and responsible; something radically alive and naturally integral; something that shakes us to our very core until we stop treating spiritual deepening as something to dabble in here and there.
Authentic spirituality is not some little flicker or buzz of knowingness, not a psychedelic blast-through or a mellow hanging-out on some exalted plane of consciousness, not a bubble of immunity, but a vast fire of liberation, an exquisitely fitting crucible and sanctuary, providing both heat and light for the healing and awakening we need.
(Robert Augustus Masters)
It is WAY harder to change a pattern
if you're living with people
who reinforce that pattern.
And more than that,
it is often vibrationally impossible
to be in the same physical location
as someone else
if you do change a pattern.